he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
