I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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