Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
