My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
