i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
