in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize