"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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