I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
