you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You were trust falling into bushes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
