You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
