Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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