new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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