When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
