I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
