you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
