At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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