I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
