I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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