just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
