$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
