I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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