If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize