I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize