I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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