Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
