if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
