singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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