I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
this beer tastes like vomit already
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
