based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
