When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
