Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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