I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
