proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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