Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
