Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
