Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize