So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
