I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
