Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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