i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
