Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
