I want to have your abortion
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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