Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
