his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
