My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
high people should be assigned attendants
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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