I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
