Got a toothbrush?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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