So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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