just come out here and I will go home with you...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
