help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I supernannyed him into submission
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
