I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You were trust falling into bushes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
