I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
