After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
