Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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