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They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
