i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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