She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
