There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
