Where did you get a picture of my penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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