a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
