IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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