well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
