Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I intend to get homeless drunk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
